Assertive communication is positioned as a key approach to convey our thoughts, emotions and needs in a clear, respectful and honest manner.
What is assertive communication?
Assertive communication is the ability to express a message, an attitude, a value, an opinion or an emotion in an active way, but without harming or attacking our interlocutor. It is a mature way of communicating, with which we are able to deliver our message and defend our rights in a skillful way and with the certainty that it will reach the receiver correctly. It is very common to confuse the concept of assertiveness with the ability to “say no”, but the term is much broader and includes many other social skills implicit in it.
RAE definition of assertiveness
The Real Academia Española definition of assertiveness does not give us too many clues about the practical use of the term. However, we can find some signs by searching for the same word and some related ones:
- Assertion. Affirmation of the certainty of something.
- Assertiveness. Quality of assertiveness.
- Assertive. Who expresses his opinion in a firm manner
What does an assertive communicator look like?
People who communicate assertively usually meet a series of personal attributes or characteristics, without which it would be impossible to communicate effectively:
Freedom of expression
People who practice assertive communication have a sense of freedom and confidence to express their thoughts, feelings, opinions and needs appropriately. They are not afraid to speak on their own behalf and do not feel constrained by fear of rejection or criticism.
Direct, appropriate, open and honest communication
Assertive communication involves the ability to express oneself directly and clearly, avoiding ambiguities or confusing messages. Assertive people choose their words carefully and ensure that their message is understandable to others. They are honest in their communications and avoid manipulation or avoidance of the truth.
Ease of communication with all kinds of people
Assertive people are able to establish and maintain effective communication with different types of people, regardless of their social position, hierarchy or personality. They have empathy and active listening skills, which enable them to understand others’ points of view and adapt their communication accordingly.
Respectable behavior and acceptance of one’s own limitations.
People who practice assertive communication are aware of the importance of mutual respect in interactions. They maintain a respectful behavior towards others, avoiding the use of offensive, aggressive or derogatory language. In addition, they are able to recognize and accept their own limitations, without feeling threatened or inferior because of it.
Healthy self-confidence and self-esteem
An assertive person has good self-esteem and self-confidence. They value themselves and believe in their own right to express themselves and be heard. They have a positive self-image and do not rely on external validation to feel confident in their communications.
Basic assertive rights
Assertiveness and assertive communication is based on some basic assertive rights. Manuel J. Smith, associate professor of clinical psychology at the University of California and considered the pioneer of assertive rights and assertive therapy, wrote in 1975 “When i say no, i feel guilty“, a manual in which some of these rights are included in the so-called “Assertive Bill of Rights“, which quickly became popular in the United States. However, nowadays, psychology professionals usually work with a broader list of assertive rights. We include below, slightly modified, those proposed by psychologist Alberto Soler:
List of 22 assertive rights
- Sometimes, you have the right to be first. Always yielding to others, not communicating your wishes or preferences does not make you more courteous. Don’t say “whatever you want” when you have a preference.
- You have the right to make mistakes. Mistakes are part of life, they are necessary for learning. Don’t be ashamed of them and defend your right to make them.
- You are entitled to your own opinions and beliefs.
- You have the right to change your mind, opinion, or action.
- You have the right to express criticism and protest unfair treatment, but always in a way that is respectful of others.
- You have the right to try to change what does not satisfy you.
- You have the right to ask for help or emotional support.
- You have the right to feel and express pain.
- You have the right to ignore the advice of others.
- You are entitled to recognition for a job well done, both by others and by yourself.
- You have the right to refuse a request, to say “no” without feeling guilty or selfish.
- You have the right to be alone, even when others desire your company.
- You have the right not to justify yourself to others. Sometimes a “No, thank you” is enough.
- You have the right not to take responsibility for other people’s problems.
- You have the right not to anticipate the wants and needs of others and not to have to intuit them.
- You have the right to be treated with dignity and to protest if you feel this is not the case.
- You have the right to have your own needs and that they are as important as those of others.
- You have the right to experience and express your own feelings, as well as to be their sole judge.
- You have the right to stop and think before you act.
- You have the right to ask for what you want and not take no for an answer.
- You are entitled to do less than you are capable of doing. You can’t always perform at your best.
- You have the right to decide what to do with your body, time and property.
Passive, aggressive and assertive communication
Assertive communication is halfway between passive or inhibited communication – we keep quiet, we “keep to ourselves” what we think, we do not express what we really want to say – and aggressive communication – we do not keep anything to ourselves, but we send the message in an inappropriate tone or attitude. To better understand the concept, let’s use a simple example. Let’s imagine that we are in line at the movie theater and a person sneaks in.
- Passive or inhibited communication would consist of not saying anything, even though we have been angered by the situation, causing an important feeling of frustration.
- Aggressive communication, on the other hand, would cause us to shout or speak with bad manners, almost certainly leading to a conflict situation.
- However, assertive communication would consist of, with total tranquility, looking into the eyes and even with a slight smile and an appropriate tone of voice, communicating to the person that we were in front of him/her.
Five steps to establish assertive communication
It is logical to think that the situations we face every day, whether in the social, work or family environment, are not as simple as the one in the cinema queue. However, the use of assertive communication can help us a lot in the vast majority of social interactions in multiple areas. But how to do it? We will now review five essential guidelines for communicating assertively:
1. Think about the problem, not the person.
It is very common that when we have a disagreement, an exchange of views or an argument, we focus on the person instead of the problem. Focus on the reason for the problem and listen carefully to what messages are being sent, not who is sending them, trying to free yourself from certain prejudices. Don’t take a situation you don’t like personally.
2. Take care of your verbal and non verbal communication
It is useless to have an appropriate tone of voice if our body shows signs of aggressiveness, or vice versa. Our verbal and non-verbal language should be as coherent as possible and be shown in the same line or orientation.
3. Listen, listen, listen
To put assertive communication into practice, it is necessary to listen, not just hear. Many times we are thinking more about our own speech than about what our interlocutor is transmitting to us. Pay attention first to what he/she is saying, respect his/her time and show that you are paying attention by practicing active listening.
4. Being empathetic does not mean agreeing
Another key element for our communication to be assertive is to practice empathy, or in other words, to put ourselves in the other person’s place and make him/her see clearly. When faced with a disagreement or a situation that makes us uncomfortable, try telling your interlocutor “I understand perfectly what you are saying”, “I have listened carefully to what you have said”, “I think your opinion on the matter is clear to me”. Once this is done, the person we are talking to knows that we have paid attention to him/her and will be more receptive to listen to our point of view.
5. Put into practice some assertive techniques
On paper it seems very simple to put assertive communication into practice, but we can find ourselves in quite complex situations. In these cases, it is advisable to use some of the assertive tactics that work best, which we will now look at.
Assertive communication techniques
In theory, assertive communication may seem simple to implement, but in practice, we face situations that can be quite complex. In these cases, it is useful to resort to some assertive tactics that have proven to be effective. Below, we will explore some of these techniques that can facilitate the use of assertive communication.
Scratched disc
This assertive technique consists of insisting on the same message over and over again until the other person understands our position. By using the broken record, we repeat our point of view in a calm and firm manner, without being provocative or straying from the topic. For example, we might say, “Yes, I heard you, but I want you to understand that…”
Assertive postponement
Assertive deferral involves letting our interlocutor know that the current moment is not the right time to continue the discussion. This technique is useful when, despite using assertive communication, we cannot get the other person to understand our point of view or when the conversation becomes too aggressive. We can express: “I would like to resume this conversation at another time, when we are both calmer and can talk calmly”.
Assertive question
Assertive questioning consists of responding to the other person by asking questions to obtain more information, without directly questioning or challenging what has been said. This technique allows us to gain clarity and better understand the other person’s perspective. For example, we might ask, “I understand that you have a criticism of my work, could you give me more details so I can better understand your concerns?”
Assertive agreement
The technique of assertive agreement involves showing understanding and partially agreeing with the other person, while insisting on the error or misunderstanding. It involves avoiding direct confrontation and focusing on the problem rather than attacking the person. For example, we might say, “I understand your point of view and agree in part, but I also want to point out that there is an error in the information you are using as the basis for your argument.”
“I” instead of “you”
Instead of accusing or blaming the other person, focus on expressing your feelings and needs using “I” statements. For example, instead of saying, “You are always late and keep me waiting,” you might say, “I feel frustrated when I am on time and have to wait.”
Fog bank
This technique consists of avoiding entering into unnecessary arguments or debates. Instead of aggressively defending your point of view, acknowledge the valid elements in the other person’s perspective and make subtle adjustments without losing your position. For example, you might say, “I understand that you have some concerns. Let’s take your comments into consideration and explore other options.”
Negotiation of requirements
When you find yourself in a situation where your needs and those of the other person seem to conflict, look for compromise solutions that satisfy both of you. Focus on finding common ground and proposing alternatives. For example, you might say, “I understand that you want us to do this this way, but what do you say we try a combination of both approaches?”
Acknowledgment and recognition
Although you may disagree with the other person, it is important to acknowledge and appreciate the positive points of their perspective. This shows respect and openness to constructive dialogue. For example, you might say, “I appreciate your concern about this issue and value your input. However, I would like to explore some additional alternatives.”
Use of “I feel” instead of “you make me feel”.
Avoid blaming the other person for your emotions and, instead, communicate how you feel and how you can work together to solve the problem. For example, instead of saying, “You make me feel sad,” you might say, “I feel sad in this situation and would like to find a way to make it better.” These assertive communication techniques are useful tools for handling complex situations where dialogue can become difficult. However, it is important to remember that each situation is unique, and it is necessary to adapt these techniques according to the context and the people involved. Practicing and developing these skills will allow us to communicate more effectively and build healthier relationships.
Examples of phrases for assertive communication
There are many examples of assertive phrases that we can use in our daily life, according to different contexts. Some examples might be: -Excuse me, I was first in line. -Are you sure? I don’t think so -I insist, I was in front of you, I assure you (broken record)
“You always end up getting angry with me.” “You may be right, but it’s something we should discuss calmly another time” (Assertive deferral).
-We are late, as usual, because of you. -It’s possible, what do you think I could do to improve that? (Assertive question).
Applications of assertive communication in different situations.
Continuing with some more examples, let’s see how we could apply assertive communication in different situations of daily life:
Expressing a personal opinion
- “In my opinion, I think it would be more effective to approach the project this way.”
- “I respect your point of view, but I also want to share my perspective on the issue.”
Establishing personal limits
- “I understand that you need my help, but at this time I cannot commit myself. I have other commitments I must fulfill.”
- “I feel uncomfortable when that topic is brought up. I prefer not to discuss it and keep the conversation on a more positive note.”
Reject an application or proposal
- “I appreciate you considering me, but at this time I cannot accept that additional responsibility.”
- “I don’t feel comfortable participating in that activity. Thank you for thinking of me, but I’ll have to pass this time.”
Expressing emotions and feelings
- “When you constantly interrupt me, I get frustrated and can’t express my ideas properly. Could we give each of us a space to talk without interruptions?”
- “I feel happy and excited about this new project. Thank you for giving me this opportunity.”
Giving and receiving constructive feedback
- “I appreciate your effort on this project, but I think we could improve the presentation if we included more concrete examples.”
- “I would like to give you feedback on your presentation. I think you could improve your body language to convey more confidence.”
Advantages of assertive communication
Effective use of assertive communication brings us many advantages:
Increased sense of control over the environment and over ourselves.
By using assertive communication, we are able to express our opinions and needs effectively, which gives us a sense of empowerment and control over our lives. It allows us to set appropriate boundaries and make conscious decisions, which contributes to our emotional and personal well-being.
2. Improves self-esteem, self-knowledge and emotional management.
Assertive communication involves knowing and expressing our emotions appropriately. By practicing it, we develop a greater awareness of our own needs and feelings, which helps us strengthen our self-esteem and manage our emotions in a healthier way. This contributes to greater emotional well-being and more satisfying relationships.
It helps us to live more rewarding situations and experiences.
By communicating assertively, we establish more authentic and closer relationships with others. It allows us to convey our ideas and desires clearly, which increases the chances that we will be understood and our needs will be taken into account. This leads to more satisfying and rewarding experiences in our personal and professional interactions.
4. Improved interpersonal relationships
Assertive communication fosters empathy and mutual respect in our relationships. By expressing ourselves clearly and respectfully, we generate an atmosphere of trust and openness, which strengthens bonds with others. It also allows us to communicate more effectively, avoiding misunderstandings and unnecessary conflicts.
5. Allows for better conflict resolution
When we communicate assertively, we are able to express our concerns and disagreements in a constructive manner. This facilitates conflict resolution by encouraging open and respectful dialogue. By seeking mutually satisfactory solutions, a climate of collaboration and understanding is promoted. Communicating assertively is essential to improve our day-to-day personal and professional lives. Do you always practice assertive communication?
